You see, my mom and my late auntie were both adopted by my late grandmother as kids. My late grandmother had no children of her own and she adopted these two girls, nurtured them until they grew up. Somewhere along the way, because of what my mom did, when I was about 9 years old, we then lost contact until just a couple or so of years ago when I finally got "reunited" with her daughter, my cousin.
I was lucky her family and I accepted me still as their relatives, and happy to know my other cousin in Singapore and my beautiful niece and handsome nephew.
It was heartwarming having relatives again who cared for you as I had been deprived of them for so many years.
Anyway, I attended my late auntie's wake yesterday and listened to people paying their respects and I was truly moved almost to tears.
Why? Because I missed her all that years and I would have loved to know her better all those years. It probably would have been different and a comfort to me having an auntie to turn to, especially on lesrning what a nurturing, loving and happy person she was.
Sometimes, things like this makes me wonder why I was deprived of my happiness, my encouragements and support all in my growing years. Life had been tough growing up with my mom who raised me single handedly and I had no one to turn to especially after my late grandmother passed away as my mom was temperamental and quite abusive and growing up, I was a victim to a few kinds of abuses- beatings, mental and sexual.
But well, I guess that is all my part and parcel of life. And life goes on.
When I first and last time I saw my late auntie, after all those years, it was I think 2 years ago near mid autumn festival. My cousin had brought me to the nursing home where she was staying. So much had changed and I almost couldn't recognise her. She was ill then, and painfully thin, a vast contrast to when I knew her. She did not say anything but stared at me and had tears in her eyes. To this day I do not know whether I reminded her of my mother or of my mother's betrayal or if she was happy and sad to see me.
I was just worried I was stressing her up needlessly and felt guilty for that.
Whatever it is I am blessed for my cousin's presence in my life. Her love and her caring and being there for me sometimes when I don't know what to do.
To my dear auntie Elizabeth, I am so sorry for all my mother's wrong doings towards you , am sorry I missed out knowing you better. I would have loved getting advices, hugs and so on from you (but somehow fate has deemed me unworthy to get that in my growing years and choose to deprive me of all that).
I know you are in a better place and will live on in our hearts always. Rest in peace....