To be totally honest, I grew up a very insecure person. I suffered from depression and there had been countless times I thought of committing suicide.
To be honest, I have strangled myself with a belt, and a scarf until I lost consciousness and I have also taken many different medication around the house which made me sick and puke but at some point of time, I did feel so unwanted God even did not want me....
I have even self harmed myself countless times with scissors and keys which only left ugly scars and scratches on my arms and legs... and bitten myself on the knees and arms to escape the pain and void I had deep within me. Sadly, the people around me except the perpetrators were all clueless and in the dark as to how I was feeling.
And that was how much I hated my life and hated myself.....
I was big sized and pretty annoying in school because of my problems at home. And I did not quite have any really close friends, maybe just a handful or so , who somehow stood by me and still became my friends against all odds. (To these people, thanks from the bottom of my heart) There were not any guys who had any crushes on me as I was not pretty or dainty except those who did want to take advantage of me.
To escape an abusive home where my innocence was sullied and ripped from me in the cruelest way possible, I got married to the first man whom I thought I was in love with and whom actually liked me for me but it was also a mistake as we were too young back then and did not know what real love was.
And with that I also got divorced at a very young age, left my kids with my ex mother in law and headed to KL to make my own life with just barely the clothes on my back, and nothing else since I did not have anyone who I could rely on...
My life has been pretty much a roller coaster ride as I struggled to find myself and learn the hard way of not trusting anyone as there were just too many times the trust I slowly gave often got ripped away eventually.
In the search of love and somewhere to belong, I got into danger even without realising it when I fell in love with a wrong man who turned out to be a crook. I had fallen for him as he was good looking, sharply dressed and he looked out for me and supposedly cared for me, but it was eventually the blinders around my eyes got ripped off when I found out he was an Indonesian Eurasian and he was a big time crook dealing in scams and even prostitution. He even threatened my life when I told him I wanted out of the relationship, saying I knew his secrets and all. I learned some valuable lessons there though…
Somehow, through it all, I manage to survive and get this far in life, even if it is nowhere really where I want to be or so.
I have also learned the most important lesson which had been grinded into me and somehow this lesson came as a reminder from two events I attended these few days… and that is the importance of loving yourself…
I guess in the past I have been too concerned and desperate about being accepted and loved by others, since I had not had a chance of being really loved.. and sometimes, maybe, we can get disillusioned by love as well after everything that had happened in our lives and do not really know love when it really happens.
I have met a lot of bad and selfish people, but at the same time I have had the pleasure of meeting many wonderful people who has coloured my life tremendously, inspiring me as well as making me the person I am today…
And what is the most important thing I have learn is that I have to love myself before anything else. I think that is the biggest mistake many people make.
We often desire and seek other people’s approval in living our own lives. We want to make our parents proud of us, we want to make our spouses happy, we want to sacrifice for our children, and we desperately want other people’s approval.
I am not saying that is wrong, but I am saying that before we try to do all that, it is far more important for us to accept ourselves as we are , love ourselves and put us first….
Just like in the plane…. If the oxygen mask falls… please put it on yourself before helping others in your care… in our lives, we have to learn to put ourselves first and make ourselves happy before trying to make our parents /spouse/kids happy..
Since I have started putting myself first, I feel much more at ease with myself and I have learnt to ignore what others have to say about me. I have learned to be more positive and ignore what others have to say or think about me. What matters most is that I am at peace with myself, I accept myself the way I am and I am so much happier then when I was chasing for other people's approval only to end up with more criticism.
There are many times people will always say things that will hurt our feelings , such as the most popular one…. “Wah, you’ve put on more weight!” or something like that.. and if you let it happen, it can drag you down… but instead, love yourself, respect yourself and do the best for yourself and let all those negative remarks wash over you or let it in and out the other ear… the most important thing is knowing you are doing the best thing for you, making yourself happy and with that you won’t have a guilty conscience
So, do what you want to do, go where you want to go, treat yourself to that spa if you want to….do not let anyone dictate your life too much (I let my husband dictate me 50% only, and when I am in the wrong- learn to compromise), just live it the way you want… and when it’s time to go, go with a bang/ or grow old knowing you have fulfilled most of the things you want to do… instead of regrets of “why didn’t I”…
I LOVE ME!!!
Note: Pictures/Quotes are all taken from Google/ the internet and are not mine. I am using them just for illustration and sharing purposes...
I never knew you have such a history behind you, with all the smiles and nice greetings when we meet.
Syukur you have turn over a new leaf and remember, what does't kill you will make you stronger.
I was also bullied when I was in school just because I was 'lembut' but syukur sebab dipertemukan dengan insan-insan yang care for me deeply and encourage me to be courageous.
Should you need someone to talk to, insyaAllah I am willing to listen.
Thank you Rawlins... you are right... what doesn't kill us will make us stronger... Life has been hard but finally but luckily not too late, I found the key to it... and it is as simple as learning to love yourself and being slightly selfish and putting ourself first (as long as we don't hurt other people around us)... hehehe...Delete
drop here :)
Aww Miera. Im glad to know that you have learned to love yourself more and more each day. I may not be too wise since im only in my twenties, but people like you are the ones who really guides us young ones to be aware of the cruel world out there. You are a hero to those who has not gone through what you did, and you should be proud to live and tell your story dear :) I think youre one of the most beautiful people i've ever met, and this is coming from my heart. We may not know each other for too long, but i could tell that in whatever you do is with your pure heart of gold <3ReplyDelete
Awww.. thank you my dear... it is beautiful people like you who help colour my world and make me learn there are amazing people like you around...Delete
Awh Miera *hugs* You have come so far since then and I truly am in awe with you for that. Whatever that doesn't kill us always makes us stronger and I am glad that you have managed to have the confidence to pull through and see what you have been blessed with. Thank you for sharing your story. You are gifted Miera and don't let anybody else tell you otherwise <3ReplyDelete
Thanks Shivani... I am blessed to meet wonderful people like you too in my life and that is a blessing as wellDelete
stay strong babe :) No matter what happens, every cloud has its silver lining. Good things will always come to you, eventually. xoxo.ReplyDelete
Thanks babe... you are awesome... and I am sure good things will also happen to you... hugsDelete
love this post so much, really express yourself and also I find it true we need love ourselves first. I love myself first and thankful my dear is giving me mommy time out soon. *hugs*ReplyDelete
yaaaayyy..... time out soon... let's have a blast...Delete
Everyone has a tale to tell and yours is a strong one. Many of us gone through hardships with different type of obstacles, but none can be measured altogether.ReplyDelete
You've live till today and continue living till the last.
absolutely... and I am not about to falter yet... I am sure I will continue to keep going on as long as I love my flaws and all...Delete
Hug...hug...Miera :) I am touched with your blog post here. Thanks for sharing your personal sharing, I got to know you better, a strong Miera :)ReplyDelete
hug back Sienny... thanks...Delete
thanks for sharing this miera, i really didn't know you faced so much hardships to be where you're at right now.ReplyDelete
And what makes me super happy is the fact that you're so much different from the person you described early in this post.. you are positive, happy go lucky and always smiling, looking at the bright side of life. Glad I got to know you!
thanks Isaac... I appreciate your friendship too... and yes, loving myself, and accepting myself has made me look at life more positively....Delete
Wow, thanks for opening up and being so personal. I'm glad to see your success and hope that you know that you are worthy of love. Sometimes when we are by ourselves, or serving others, it doesn't always feel that way. Hugs from afar!ReplyDelete
Thanks my dear..... hugs backDelete
Everyone is different dear, never compare to others & rememeber you're the most unique one which is created by God :)ReplyDelete
So sorry to hear what you had to go through when you were younger. As a matter of fact, this is not an unusual thing for many in our society. There are just too many users and abusers who just know how to tarnish young innocent minds and leave them to tend for themselves. It is a cruel world out there and kids nowadays are thrown to fend for themselves at a very young age in order to survive. It is not easy but the basics is simple, just the way you put it - love thyself before others. Because only by loving yourself and knowing how to appreciate yourself will you be able to love others and appreciate others too.
Good breeds good whilst evil breeds evil. We just have to know to pick which one.
I choose positivity and goodness... hehehe... and I will continue to strive to that direction, God willing....Delete
What didn't kills you make you stronger. I'm glad you see the light thru the dark tunnel. It's not easy to open up to talk about this.. but you did it ... which means you already let go of the past..And yes you are right love your yourself because no one will love you if you don't start love yourself first.ReplyDelete
Exactly right.... it is so important to put ourself first before we put others.. I made the mistake of searching for it all the wrong places....Delete
That is true! You only live once and choose the right and happy path. Dont care about the social judgement because no matter what we do they there will be many busy body to judge us. Just be happy with ourselves and take care of those people that we love.ReplyDelete
Miera, your post really inspired me, so sorry to hear about your bad experiences, but yeah, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and stand a little taller :)ReplyDelete
Thank you... and thanks for being a friend too...Delete
Sometimes its hard to love ourselves but once we do, we would be able to love others. Thanks for this beautiful post. Really love the quotes :)ReplyDelete